Archive | September, 2014

Going to the vet – Round 2

21 Sep


As you know, I don’t have a fondness for vets. Human Pavlov figured out us doggies a long time ago. My association with doggy docs is less than wonderful. I’m usually on the wrong end of sharp pointy things, latex fingers or other such indignities these purveyors of wellness like to inflict on us of the canine species. But about the only thing I like less than vets is going to the vets. And this entails a hour or more ride on winding mountain roads. If I don’t heave at least two or three times, it’s a miracle. So you can imagine my thrill when the other day, Mrs. human put me in the back of the SUV for another day of torture and misery all in the name of an annual check up.

As a preventative measure, Mrs. human gave me a Gravol wrapped in cheese to ease my journey. I guess it didn’t work too well. It was the first thing I heaved up. After a couple more pit stops to clean up the mess and change towels, we finally arrived at the dreaded place. It has a distinct odor all its own too. I can smell it as soon as we turn off the road. I think it’s lingering bad vet karma mostly. At least the odor of the others of my species masks it enough to make it tolerable.

Turns out my vet has a new partner, a female human vet. Whoopee. Double the fun. I wondered if they practice a tag-team routine, you know, good vet, bad vet. Nope. No pretense of good vet at all. Just needles, fingers and a very cold stainless steel table to sit my butt on. Doggy heaven, from what I’ve heard, is where we doggies go and get to be the docs. In doggy heaven, humans come to us for needle poking, finger [well, paw] jabbing and really hot steel tables to sit on. Haha. I think you humans call it hell. Welcome to my world.

So let the good times roll. First, the young female vet came in and tried to stick me with needles. I managed to ward her off by a considerable amount of squirming for someone who lost their lunch three times in the past hour or two. So they called in my first vet. He jabbed me with two different needles. I was not a happy camper. But you could tell he was an experienced pro. He told Mrs. human he remembered the first time I came in as a little puppy. I was troublesome then too. I love it when vets brag about me.

After some weighing and measuring, I thought I was ready to rock n’ roll and get out of there. Nope. Mrs. human had the audacity to ask the vet to draw some blood. I looked at her. Are you serious? Blood!? My blood! This crossed the line, or so I thought at the time. So I started to snarl and get feisty. I got muzzled. And they got my blood. Okay, enough already. Can we go now? Even the winding road home seemed like a relief. Just when I thought  I was good to go, Mrs. human asked the vet, “Would you clean out her anal sacs too please?” Why not pretty please? It’s my butt after all. I was hoping the vet had enough of me and would decline the offer.

Actions speak louder than words they say. And when the latex finger with slippery goo on it headed towards my nether regions, I knew I was in for it. While the vet was busy at one end, Mrs. human had me by the front end. But I had put on some weight in the past year. I moved up to the middleweight division. I am 43 pounds of spunky wiggle-butt. And the battle was on. I was still muzzled, and struggling for my dignity. That vet has big fingers. In the heat of the battle I managed to free one of my front paws, clawing at whatever I could to get free. In the process, I managed to give Mrs. human a black eye. It was a left cross I believe. Oh and did I mention she ended up with anal sac stuff all over her blouse too?

Mrs. Human's Black Eye

Mrs. human’s Black Eye

She left the vet’s office wearing a medical smock. A small victory in the scheme of life, don’t you think? However, she left my butt at the vet’s compound while she went shopping for a new blouse, and lunch. I wonder what we’re doing next year at this time? I’m thinking of ordering the book “Self-Defense for Doggies: How To Ward Off Vets” from Bones N’ Crate. Hmmm, it’s sold out. Just my luck.

Mrs. Human's Smock

Mrs. human’s Smock