Archive | August, 2013

Alien Doggies

25 Aug

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Seems like humans are really still up in the air about whether UFOs are real or not. We doggies, however, are at a much advanced stage of first-paw cosmic experiences. We know that aliens are real. We’ve met them. Even on a first name basis with some of them too. Humans, while alien to we of canine heritage, don’t count as close encounters even though you do have an other worldly shape. I mean, two legs?! Put you guys on all fours and you can hardly get out of your own way. Most of you barely have enough hair to keep yourselves warm without artificial coverings. Happy to see you’ve moved past wearing animal fur. But I digress.

While I’m still a puppy, I’ve been visited by aliens a few times already. Yep. Took a liking to me. Last time, I was playing outside my condo-crate, shaking my chew toy all over the place, when I heard a familiar alien ship approaching. I can hear frequencies twice as high as you humans and at four times the distance. If you ever see me running away all of a sudden, don’t just stand there. Hightail it out of there too. But these alien doggies are friendly coming from the planet Megas Osteon, in the constellation of, what else, Canis Major. Megas Osteon is on the far side of the Sirius, the binary “Dog Star.” What, you thought those Greeks were just arbitrarily naming constellations and stars?

As Sirius is less than 60 doggy light-years away, and the doggies from Megas Osteon have multiple dark energy powered ships traveling through worm holes, they visit here all the time. Have been for millennia. In fact, the alien doggy that comes to visit me, Oopsy Woofwoof, hey I couldn’t make this stuff up, says it only takes about 25 of our Earth minutes to get here. They even come here on dates Friday and Saturday nights. Oopsy Woofwoof says it’s mostly for the In-N-Out burgers. He doesn’t care much for the Animal Style burger. He always orders the 4X4.

I suppose you probably want to know what Woofwoof looks like. Not to disappoint you, but he looks like a dog. I couldn’t say what breed exactly. He’s not in my Bones N’ Crate Breed Catalog. Then again, I don’t have the interstellar edition. He’s about medium size, has shiny purple fur with green highlights and orange ears and tail. And he thinks I look weird. He even acts like a dog. First time he landed, he came up to me and sniffed my butt. I sniffed back. Been friends ever since. It’s amazing that life on Megas Osteon is so much like life here on Earth. But that’s why Osteons like coming here according to Oopsy. He said it’s like going on holiday to a familiar and friendly doggy resort.

The strange thing is, Oopsy’s dark energy ship, while shadowy on the inside, glows very brightly on the outside. But it’s not visible to humans. And neither is Oopsy for that matter. So if Oopsy flew in right now, you humans wouldn’t see him at all, that is until he powers up his GNT, that’s short for Galactic Nano-Transmogrifier. He can even connect it to his holographic protruder. Not what you’re thinking. When he does that, he can take on the form of any creature. Cool stuff. I wanted to borrow it so I could scare the bejabbers out of Mr. human and chase him around the yard. Think Jurassic Park. Oopsy said it was bio-matched to his DNA, so it wouldn’t work for me. Maybe if I give him some DNA, I can convince him, doggy to doggy, to bring one back for me. 🙂

We always have a great time when Oopsy visits. Sometimes, we play out in the yard with his Quantum Hover-disc, and sometimes he regales me with incredible stories of about his interstellar spacedog adventures. I especially like the one about his chasing the evil mothercatship all the way to the Tree Nebula in the constellation Felis.

Now you humans, while still not convinced about UFOs, probably think I’m making this up. But, whenever we puppies have a close encounter from Megas Osteon, there is always one residual telltale sign they leave behind. Just look at our eyes.

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Mystery Solved – Part II

19 Aug

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I can’t look anything like an Anemic. That vet didn’t know what he was talking about. Have you seen pictures of Anemic puppies? Me neither. They must be really ugly if they don’t show the photos. I was a bit suspicious when I couldn’t find Anemics in my Bones N’ Crate book, Cute And Adorable Puppy Breeds, A-M. So, I checked my Bones N’ Crate Dictionary For Doggies. Under Anemic it said it wasn’t a breed, but a condition! I have a condition!? And it further stated it might be caused by an underlying disease! Man, I don’t want any underlying disease, so I immediately stopped lying under my dog house. How was I suppose to know lying under my dog house caused anemia? It said if it is severe I’ll need a blood transfusion. Yikes! Hopefully, this is reversible and not terminal. I just started lying under my dog house last week. I don’t want some other dog’s blood in me. Be my luck I’d come off the table with some weird ugly dog thing going on and an invite to the World’s Ugliest Dog competition. And if they don’t hit me with with the blood, then its packed red blood cells in the veins. Holy cow! This sounds really serious. And they recommend putting me in a cage to protect me from other animals. What other animals? I’m an only dog. I need a second opinion. This is making me nervous. I’m beginning to twitch. I keep telling myself it’s probably all in my mind. Is that my hair on the floor? My black spots are falling off!? It’s worse than I thought. Why are there humans in green scrubs rolling a stainless steel table my way? I’ve got to get out of here, but my legs are moving in sloooooow mooooootion. Woof-woof, woof,woof,woof, woof -woof.

 

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I woke up. Where was I? I looked up. I was lying under the outside dining table.  I got out of there fast to the safety of my condo-crate. I just started dreaming lately, so it’s all sort of new to me. At least I hoped I was dreaming. I snuck a peek in the direction of the table looking  for my black spots. None on the deck. Still on my body. Whew!  I heard Mr. human telling the Mrs. the other day about my puppy dreams, woofing out loud and my legs and feet twitching. I thought he was kidding. He wasn’t kidding. The dream seemed so real too. It’s a bit unnerving this dream stuff. But I suppose I can always look forward to dreaming about being a delivery dog on a treat truck. I need to get  a Do Not Disturb sign for that one. Nevertheless, I was happy to hear I wasn’t an Anemic, but just a bit anemic. Nothing that some doggy-mins and iron pills can’t take care of according to the vet. Need to keep my eyes on that guy. Gives me nightmares.

Well, being a bit wired by the weird dream experience, I thought I would unwind with a bit of Words For Canines on my iPuppyPad. Steve Jobs made it so the pads on my paws can activate the touch screen. He always was a step ahead according to his Bones N’ Crate biography. It’s always nice to get back to something familiar and reassuring. I was playing a game with my human grandpa on Mrs. human’s side. He’s a geezer too. Come to think of it, a lot of my human’s friends are geezers as well. But at my age, just about everyone is a geezer. Anyway, even though he’ll deny it, I was ahead on points with grandpa. We sympathize with each other as he has a collar around his neck too. His is hard plastic and is just plain white. I wonder if grandma human attaches a lead to it to take him for walks? His doesn’t have a fancy name tag like mine. And his doesn’t light up at night either, with flashing options. But he does have a tube sock to make his more comfortable. I prefer something natural and furrier. Maybe I should send him a faux fur collar comforter.

Bones N’ Crate were out of stock in his size, on back order. I’ll have to check later with Animalzon.com.

Back to the game at hand. It was my turn to play. I looked at my letters and realized I had the perfect letters for my next move. Triple word score! Got 30 points for it too!

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Mystery Solved – Part I

12 Aug
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As puppies go, my humans are always telling people how I don’t whine and I don’t bark. I’m such a good puppy. Isn’t that adorable? It’s not surprising. In fact, Mrs. human made a big point to her dad over the phone about how well-behaved I was. So guess what? That night, before we all hit the hay, I whined. Or so they tell me. They gave me my bedtime treat, I put it in my mouth and for some unknown reason I couldn’t make up my mind where I wanted to go or what I wanted to do with it. Weird, eh? I walked around in no particular direction and made a little sound, which I would define as a teeny bit whimper-like. I think some of my molars are coming in. Mrs. human said it was a whine. I was going to argue the point, but Mrs. human might think I was a whiner.

Well, that was Saturday night. Mr. and Mrs. human were looking forward to having a nice lazy sleep-in the next morning as it was Sunday. You won’t guess what I found at six the next morning. Yep, I found my bark. Turns out I have a pretty good one too. A little high-pitched and not very guard-doggy. Imagine getting everything all at once like that! And it popped those lethargic, sleepy-eyed humans out of bed bright and early. I couldn’t have been prouder … or a bit more scared. Some rather large neighbourhood dog wandered into the no-stray zone of my environs. Totally caught by surprise, I barked up a storm. Even as the barks were coming out of my mouth, powered by my little lungs, I still wasn’t sure what that was all about. As soon as the humans opened the door to the house, I was in there like a shot, tail between my legs. Okay, it’s a bit embarrassing in hindsight. I may have been scared by my own bark, which is certainly worse than my bite, tails not included. Nevertheless, a puppy doesn’t expect a bully dog to show up like that. But it must have worked. The big dog was nowhere in sight. Score one for the Pepper. Coming from the orphanage, I’m still finding out stuff about myself. Neighbor Alan came by later that day. We always have a great time. However, he playfully scolded me a wee bit. Seems my newfound bark carried up to his place too. Right on!

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The next morning I was visited by the vet for a little check up and a puppy immunization shot. It was the first time I met this vet. So he was asking my humans all sorts of questions about me including how old I was. Mrs. human related my orphanage story and that we didn’t know how old I was exactly. He asked if I had started barking yet. What a coincidence!? So Mrs. human explained the entire barking story to the vet. But, she said didn’t know how big I would get not knowing the breed of the parents. So the vet checked my heart and lungs with a little round thing connected to his ears. He felt my tummy. No odor emissions when he squeezed. He didn’t check my feet. Lastly, he looked at my teeth and gums, noticing my two front puppy teeth are missing. Then, he told my humans with all the confidence in the world that I was a little anemic. He even pulled down my eyelids to show my humans. Finally, I had an answer. I had never heard of that breed of dog before, but being an orphan, I was happy  to solve the identity issue. I was an Anemic. I wonder what makes our eyelids so great? Apparently, my breed requires some iron pills to go with my diet. I wonder if all Anemics look like me? I’ll have to look it up in my Bones N’ Crate book, Cute And Adorable Puppy Breeds, A-M. I lucked out I was a high-odor Anemic, and not a Nincompooper. N-Z was on back order. I hope they have a photo. No hurry though. It feels like puppy snooze time is here again.
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Pepper Recycles

8 Aug

Note to puppy owners. Ixnay on the store bought oysta. My favourite toys are not the ones my humans spent hours looking for on-line and then buying for me. Nope. Go to your Home and Garden store and head for the gardening section. Pick up some hand held gardening tools. The hard durable plastic is best. Make sure you stop by the bird feeder section while you’re at it. You’ll also want to get an assortment of medium size planters. Just the plain old black ones are fine. Be sure you have an old container to throw them into at home. Weather them for awhile outside, maybe throw some dirt and potting soil on them too for good measure. Most importantly, sort of hide them away in a corner like they are off limits for puppies. We’ll have a blast with them all day long. You can even mock scold us to sort of keep it real and interesting. Otherwise, what’s the point?

Once upon a time, I use to chase my tail. Only I didn’t know it was my tail. This black spotted furry thing kept popping into my peripheral vision. Irritated, I would chase it until it went away. But every now and then, it would show up again. So I just accepted it as a new toy. That is until one day it got me really agitated. Having enough, I decided I would get rid of it once and for all. Only then did I discover it was my tail. Boy, that hurt for a week.

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One of my other favourite new toys are empty liter plastic water bottles. They make an awful crackling sound when empty. When Mr. human rapidly squeezes one, it freaks me out to no end. I go completely bonkers, running around like someone set my tail on fire. I have no idea where this reaction comes from. I can’t control it either. I guess it’s sort of like fingernails on a chalk board for you humans. He crackles and I go nuts, zooming in circles as fast as I can go. Might as well have zombies chasing six years olds around the house at midnight during a thunder storm. After a period of growing slightly accustomed to these bottles when crackled, if that’s at all possible, Mrs. human half squeezed one and put the cap back on so it was grabbable with my mouth. Gingerly, I sort of grabbed and then bit down on it. Well that sucker crackled and I jumped about two feet backwards. Not to be deterred, I went back for more. Grabbed it, and made it crackle just a little. Still freaked me out, but I controlled my urge for flight. So I crackled it some more. Hey, this isn’t half bad. Well the next thing I know I’m scooting that bottle all over the place, grabbing it, crackling it, which I now thought was total fun. Being almost featherweight, I pushed it everywhere, then I’d hop on it, which made it spurt out in one direction or the another with yours truly in hot pursuit. Hey, this was a pretty cool toy.

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One other thing I discovered. I must have a bit of retriever in me. For some reason I would chase that crackling thing all over the place, but then always have the urge to bring it to Mr. human. And I never bit down too hard on it either. Now what other toy would have done that for me? Helped me find my roots. So before you puppy owners decide to toss those empty water bottles in the recycling bin, see if your puppy wants to have a go at it first. Then they can be recycled. Oh, one other thing. Don’t leave a nice pottery bowl with leftover lunch in it sitting on top of a flower bowl, on top of a patio end table and then leave a puppy unattended. Oopsy. Thankfully, Eric and Cathy, Lindgrenpottery.com, besides being friends of my humans, are one of my business sponsors. Be sure to watch Eric in the video. I’m putting in an order for a black and white Pepper shaker. Oh, yeah, almost forgot. Another pottery bowl too.

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Houdini Hide and Seek

4 Aug

One of my favourite games is playing Houdini Hide and Seek with Mr. human. To play the game, besides having a willing human, you need a good size doggy blanket and something a bit smaller like a old hound-scented bath towel … um, that would be an old towel, not an old hound. So, here’s how we play Houdini Hide and Seek. Mr. human holds up the doggy blanket, and then I run and jump up as high as I can into the blanket

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Then, Mr. human throws it over my head, wraps me up and rolls me around on the deck. I flop and roll all over the place while getting myself out of the blanket. He has the hound towel ready for me just as I am about out of the blanket. He wraps me up in the towel and I flop and roll around some more. Every single time I can hear him say, “Where’s Pepper!? Where’s Pepper?” You think it would be rather obvious where I was. Duh. See what I have to work with here? Anyway, eventually I pop out. And he has the doggy blanket ready to get me again. His job is to keep me covered … preferably without the dumb questions. And my job is to make like Houdini and escape before he can cover me again. I always win. But given the competition, what else would we expect? It’s great fun, though. I could flop and roll around all day long playing Houdini Hide and Seek. Mr. human usually poops out after 15 or 20 minutes. Geezer.

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One day while nosing around the perimeter of my country house with the grass in the front yard, I happened to notice a spot where the fence was a bit loose. Aha! LIke any curious puppy, I pushed on it with my nose. It gave way. I had found a gap in the fence! For joy, for joy! I almost managed to hop around on my two back legs without falling over. Does the movie The Great Escape come to mind? I could roam wherever I wanted to go without the humans knowing about it just like cats. Way cool. And I would always be back in time for roll call like any good POW, that’s Puppy of Wanderlust. The great thing about the gap in the fence was that it was right next to a big tree that blocked the commandant humans view. “There will be no escapes from this yard!”  Steve McQueen eat your heart out. Off I went.

I headed uphill away from the lap of luxury. Grass is always greener, eh? I wandered through all sorts of shrubbery, made it to the crest of the hill and came upon a large concrete overhang. There was a perfect size area just a couple feet high, almost like an open-ended cavern, that I could walk along. So off I went. This exploring stuff is really a lot of fun. And totally unsupervised. How cool is that. Well, I walked along smelling everything in sight  although it was mostly barren dirt. Seems like some rodents had been there before me. Oh, and a feline or two as well. The more I explored I discovered the neighbourhood cats had been all over this place. What in the world were they doing up here anyway? And the place was a bit musty smelly too. Phew.

Off to my right, there was a drop off. Okay, a bit of a cliff. Nothing too serious. Or so I thought. If cats can manage it, well, what’s to stop a puppy? So I kept on going following my nose. I hopped across a few little ditches, and came to what seemed like a bit of a dead-end. I didn’t realize how right I was. I turned to go back, but what was easy going one way, seemed puppy-proof looking back the other way. I was stuck. Oops. And hidden under the overhang, no one could know where I was. Double oops. I had no food or water. I was definitely in the Land of Oops suddenly missing the lap of luxury and my green grass. What to do now? From the end of the overhang, I looked down and saw what looked like some leaves and branches. I thought I could just jump down on them, scoot over the the little trail and go back to home sweet home. But something told me to stay put.

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About that time I heard Mr. human shouting, “Pepper … Pepper … where’s Pepper?” Okay, okay, it’s not always a dumb question. I had mixed emotions. Was that the sound of the calvary coming to my rescue or Colonel Clink wanting to capture me and put me in the sweatbox out in the noonday Sun? Next thing I  heard was Mrs. human calling for me too. Not sure what to do, I did nothing except stay where I was. Even gardner John was on the hunt for me. He spotted me first, although I could see Mr. human at the other end of the long overhang. John managed to carefully walk along that little trail on the edge of the cliff to just below where I was. When he got to me, I wagged my tail to say hi to John. Maybe he came over to play. So when he tried to grab me, I playfully jumped back. I came closer, he tried to grab me, and I jumped back again. Maybe John was a fellow escapee? But Mr. human was too crafty. He gave John some dog treats. Traitor. John held them out. I couldn’t hold out, so I went for the treats. John grabbed me. Betrayed by my belly again. My short-lived adventure as an escapee was over.

After carefully walking back along the little trail on the edge of the cliff, holding on to some roots and branches with me in tow, John handed me up to Mr. human. I was right. He had a doggy lead in his hand to clip on to my collar. I was sure I was headed for the sweatbox. Mr. human commandant had to climb over neighbour Alan’s railing, walk across the patio, through the kitchen, living room, hallway and out the front door. Secretly backtracking down the hill with me in shackles through the low lying shrubbery wasn’t going to happen. Instead this sinner puppy was displayed for all to see. I half expected the villagers to throw rotten vegetables at me while my forehead was emblazoned with a big scarlet E. On the interminable march back to the gulag, I could sense that Colonel Clink human was not exactly pleased with Sgt. Pepper’s new version of Houdini Hide and Seek. To tell the truth, neither was I. The ounce of prevention fence was secured immediately with nails and rocks by Mr. human and gardner John. I managed to avoid doing time in the sweatbox. But, even Mrs. human didn’t call me adorable this time. I was in the dog house.

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Turns out it’s a good thing I didn’t try to jump down on those leaves and branches by the trail. They were the tops of trees. I heard Mrs. human telling someone it’s a straight drop 100 feet to rocks below at that end of the overhang. Nearly made my spots fall off when I heard that, which is to say I about turned white as a ghost. Every now and then I see cats nonchalantly climbing all over the place unfazed at the cliff’s edge. I don’t know how cats do it. From now on I’m sticking with the original version of Houdini Hide and Seek, maybe with a little tug of war thrown in to spice it up.

House of Pepper

1 Aug

Now that I have a blog, some of my followers want to know more about my digs. That’s hip and cool jive for where I live. By nature, puppies are cool. Speaking of cool, thanks to reader Bob for the spot on ‘way cool’ remarks. And yes, my humans have potential to rise to my level of coolness as you put it. Mrs. human more so than Mr. human who is definitely a work in progress. As long as he keeps doling out the food and bedtime treats, I can tolerate Daddy-o. That’s coolspeak for Mr. human. I just wish Daddy-o would ditch the video camera.

As to my digs, I have a really cool pad. Or should I say pads, and I’m not talking about my paws. My yard is shaped somewhat like an hour glass with a ninety degree bend in the middle. My urban pad is a really cool condo-crate. Hi-tech and green too. Has a LEED platinum certification. Lovably Engaging Environment for Doggies. It has an open floor plan, easy access, and a skylight that lets in lots of natural light. Best of all is it’s location. With doggy real estate, it’s all about location. My condo-crate is just outside the door to the human’s deck and outdoor dining area. My central location means they can’t sneak past me. And when they sit down to eat, I am present and accounted for like any good puppy.

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And did I mention the southern exposure? It’s perfect for getting the morning sun on the deck where I can snooze. When I wake up, and need to take care of my natural needs, I simply meander around the corner to my country place. Yes, I have a country house too. I leave the hustle and bustle of the concrete jungle, follow the little grass trail NE and in no time at all I’m sitting on my front porch. It’s rather rustic, but it’s located in a nice sheltered valley with a grassy front yard. While it doesn’t have indoor plumbing, it does have an outhouse in the back. I call it “Contraband Cabin.” Whenever I need to take something without you know who knowing about it, I take it here. A certain blue bird feeder comes to mind.

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Well, I’m feeling a bit sleepy. Writing a blog is hard work, especially when I have to hunt and peck. At least I have access to a computer. I can’t imagine what my ancestors went through with pencil and paper. Just picking up a pencil is tough enough. But resisting the urge to chew it into tiny little pieces is almost unbearable. While yellow No. 2 pencils with rubber erasers are canine meat and potatoes, I lean towards the spicier Staedler HB Lumograph. For some reason I prefer the taste of blue over yellow. And crayons. Well, don’t get me drooling. Ah, the warm breeze is coming up right now. It’s ideal for my late morning nap. Daddy-o should have my noon time treat ready for me when I wake up. My Bones N’ Crate book, How Famous Dogs Trained Their Owners is really paying for itself. So I think I’ll end the blog here. Keep following and keep writing in. Until next week, be cool.

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