The Big Green Magic Can

29 Jul

This blog is dedicated to the memory of Flipper, who loved …

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One thing I learned from my Bones N’ Crate’s book, A Puppy’s Guide to Life, is that cute will open doors and curiosity can get you into trouble. Cute got me rescued from being a street mutt. And cute got me adopted by my new humans. However, cute definitely is related to size. Mrs. human is always saying how cute this is, or how cute, umm, I am. I’ve noticed that if it’s little, cute’s the word. “Oh, she’s so little. She’s cute.” Not so much for the big stuff. I’ve never heard Mrs. human say, “Bob’s big eared elephant is really cute.” Or that “Mr. Chunkyshort is really cute for weighing 200 kilos.” So I’ve had a bit of nerves lately when people look at me, telling Mrs. human, “Wow, Pepper is really growing. She’s getting big.” How could these humans say such dreadful things? They even weighed me last week. I’m almost twice what I weighed when they got me! And I even overheard her tell Mr. human that she wished I could stay little. Translated that means I won’t stay cute. And if I’m not cute, am I destined for the streets once more? A Puppy’s Guide to Life only has one paragraph about puppy paranoia. To paraphrase, it says “Look at your feet. Do you have big feet? If you do, you’re SOL. Why? Because you will grow into them!” I looked at my feet instantly. Were they big? Well, they looked about normal. But what’s normal? Are six-inch feet normal for a puppy ten inches at the shoulder? I hope so because my feet are much smaller than that.

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I looked up the chapter, What Makes A Puppy Grow? Bad news. I read it again just to be sure. Right there in plain letters was my answer … FOOD. I couldn’t believe my favourite thing was the cause of my cuteness disappearing. Poop. What depressing news. I mean what puppy doesn’t like food? It’s one of the two great joys in a dog’s life. I think the other one is treats. Anyway, what am I going to do? Like any puppy facing a life crisis, I did some research and found out that fast food is the main contributor to obesity. More bad news. I eat my food pretty fast. Worse, obesity is not defined as little and cute. I had to get to the root source of my growth.

And then it dawned on me. From the day I arrived from the “orphanage,” the nice humans at the animal protection society, to my new home, there has been a big green magic can from which Mr. human dispenses … my food. They could fit nearly half a dozen of me into that big green can. And if I keep eating everything that comes out of it, I may end up six times bigger too. Magically, it appears that the big green can has an endless supply of food in it … available on demand anytime night or day. It just disgorges food out of it like there’s no tomorrow. How is that possible? I mean the big can never fails to produce the food. Not once. Not even a false start. It’s perpetual. No doubt Mr. human is trying to fatten me up in the eyes of Mrs. human so she doesn’t think I’m cute anymore. Then it’s curtains. Au revoir. Hasta la vista, puppy. I bet it’s payback for all those “high odor” gifts he has to bury. I had to find out exactly what was in the big green magic can.

Remember when I said curiosity can get you into trouble. Well, it kind of worked out that way. I couldn’t get into the magic can because, not having grown any opposable thumbs, I couldn’t lift the lid. Almost by accident, I managed to knock that sucker over. A little leverage and a wall helped. I can’t take all the credit. Serendipity was on my side. Everything went flying with a very large amount of noise given the big green magic can is metal. What a racket. Enough to wake up the humans too. Big mistake. Seeing as how the lid was off and the dog was out of the barn, I jumped into the can to see what magic it held. It was the biggest bag of food I ever laid eyes on. At least three times bigger than me. That’s when instinct kicked in. Food is my favourite thing remember. So I started munching away, with great gusto I might add. I figured the humans would be there soon enough. I was right.

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Well, as you can see, I was south-end out when the humans showed up. Poetic, eh? In one end, out the …. Well, Mr. human was booming. References to TiPoo littered the night air.  Just about when I thought my days of free lunches were over, Mrs. human said, “Isn’t she adorable!” My ears perked up. Adorable? She said adorable? She picked me up and cuddled me. I cuddled back with all my puppy charm. I peeked at Mr. human. He was glaring back. Obviously, he did not share her sentiment. Adorable. I like that. I can live with adorable. Maybe cute is overrated. Besides, my feet aren’t that big.

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4 Responses to “The Big Green Magic Can”

  1. Janet July 29, 2013 at 10:55 PM #

    Oh that is just too funny. I am glad you were able to take the photo of Pepper in the food bin. She knows that you enjoy her sense of humor and adorableness. Our last puppy got caught in the food bin by our Mr. Human who turned it upright and banged on the sides of it scaring Lil’ pup out of his wits. He never went in the food bin again! His feet were HUGH, he now weighs 80 lbs and has since graduated to stealing food off counters.

  2. Bob Morris July 30, 2013 at 9:14 AM #

    Pepper you look way too cool for Mr and Mrs Human, but I am sure they will rise to your level of coolness in the days ahead. Meanwhile, keep nosing through that green can and living large.

  3. Karen July 30, 2013 at 1:48 PM #

    Haha– so CUTE! I can’t believe you keep your dog food in a trash can! Tell Pepper she’ll be cute no matter how big she gets, and also that she’s an excellent writer.

  4. Eileen Schiller July 30, 2013 at 10:11 PM #

    HAHAHAHAHA!!! oh boy!!!!

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