Archive | July, 2013

The Big Green Magic Can

29 Jul

This blog is dedicated to the memory of Flipper, who loved …

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THE BIG GREEN MAGIC CAN

One thing I learned from my Bones N’ Crate’s book, A Puppy’s Guide to Life, is that cute will open doors and curiosity can get you into trouble. Cute got me rescued from being a street mutt. And cute got me adopted by my new humans. However, cute definitely is related to size. Mrs. human is always saying how cute this is, or how cute, umm, I am. I’ve noticed that if it’s little, cute’s the word. “Oh, she’s so little. She’s cute.” Not so much for the big stuff. I’ve never heard Mrs. human say, “Bob’s big eared elephant is really cute.” Or that “Mr. Chunkyshort is really cute for weighing 200 kilos.” So I’ve had a bit of nerves lately when people look at me, telling Mrs. human, “Wow, Pepper is really growing. She’s getting big.” How could these humans say such dreadful things? They even weighed me last week. I’m almost twice what I weighed when they got me! And I even overheard her tell Mr. human that she wished I could stay little. Translated that means I won’t stay cute. And if I’m not cute, am I destined for the streets once more? A Puppy’s Guide to Life only has one paragraph about puppy paranoia. To paraphrase, it says “Look at your feet. Do you have big feet? If you do, you’re SOL. Why? Because you will grow into them!” I looked at my feet instantly. Were they big? Well, they looked about normal. But what’s normal? Are six-inch feet normal for a puppy ten inches at the shoulder? I hope so because my feet are much smaller than that.

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I looked up the chapter, What Makes A Puppy Grow? Bad news. I read it again just to be sure. Right there in plain letters was my answer … FOOD. I couldn’t believe my favourite thing was the cause of my cuteness disappearing. Poop. What depressing news. I mean what puppy doesn’t like food? It’s one of the two great joys in a dog’s life. I think the other one is treats. Anyway, what am I going to do? Like any puppy facing a life crisis, I did some research and found out that fast food is the main contributor to obesity. More bad news. I eat my food pretty fast. Worse, obesity is not defined as little and cute. I had to get to the root source of my growth.

And then it dawned on me. From the day I arrived from the “orphanage,” the nice humans at the animal protection society, to my new home, there has been a big green magic can from which Mr. human dispenses … my food. They could fit nearly half a dozen of me into that big green can. And if I keep eating everything that comes out of it, I may end up six times bigger too. Magically, it appears that the big green can has an endless supply of food in it … available on demand anytime night or day. It just disgorges food out of it like there’s no tomorrow. How is that possible? I mean the big can never fails to produce the food. Not once. Not even a false start. It’s perpetual. No doubt Mr. human is trying to fatten me up in the eyes of Mrs. human so she doesn’t think I’m cute anymore. Then it’s curtains. Au revoir. Hasta la vista, puppy. I bet it’s payback for all those “high odor” gifts he has to bury. I had to find out exactly what was in the big green magic can.

Remember when I said curiosity can get you into trouble. Well, it kind of worked out that way. I couldn’t get into the magic can because, not having grown any opposable thumbs, I couldn’t lift the lid. Almost by accident, I managed to knock that sucker over. A little leverage and a wall helped. I can’t take all the credit. Serendipity was on my side. Everything went flying with a very large amount of noise given the big green magic can is metal. What a racket. Enough to wake up the humans too. Big mistake. Seeing as how the lid was off and the dog was out of the barn, I jumped into the can to see what magic it held. It was the biggest bag of food I ever laid eyes on. At least three times bigger than me. That’s when instinct kicked in. Food is my favourite thing remember. So I started munching away, with great gusto I might add. I figured the humans would be there soon enough. I was right.

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Well, as you can see, I was south-end out when the humans showed up. Poetic, eh? In one end, out the …. Well, Mr. human was booming. References to TiPoo littered the night air.  Just about when I thought my days of free lunches were over, Mrs. human said, “Isn’t she adorable!” My ears perked up. Adorable? She said adorable? She picked me up and cuddled me. I cuddled back with all my puppy charm. I peeked at Mr. human. He was glaring back. Obviously, he did not share her sentiment. Adorable. I like that. I can live with adorable. Maybe cute is overrated. Besides, my feet aren’t that big.

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Blog 3: Down to the Sea

25 Jul

Do you remember the first time you went down to the sea and jumped in among the waves? Just so happens my humans live by the sea. And they thought it would be fun to take me swimming in the ocean. Hey I’m a puppy, let’s go for it! It all sounded like great fun. I got to run like a nut and smell everything at the beach. I didn’t know where to start. There were tons of rocks, wet sand, dry sand, beach critters, and all sorts of cool stuff to sniff and inspect. However, I saw that the water wasn’t sitting still. It kept moving. A lot. It was nothing like my drinking bowl. The water would rise up to twice my height and then come crashing down. It was great running up and down the beach where the water rolled onto shore, all white and foamy. Just in case, I kept an eye on that moving water.

Then I saw Mrs. human walk into the moving water. She motioned for me to join her. So off I ran … until the first wave reared up in front of me. My tail froze like a rope. Yikes!

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Okay, a two foot wave might not sound like much to you five and half to six foot humans. But when you stand ten inches at the shoulder with good posture, well, surf’s up baby. To put it into perspective for you, a person 5 feet high at the shoulder would be facing a twelve foot wave. Still want to go in the water? I did what any other self-respecting puppy would do under the circumstances. I puckered up and hauled butt for solid sand. Made it too. Although my derriere got a good soaking. Mr. human laughed. You know they could have humiliated me at the house and saved us a lot of hassle.

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But Mrs. human kept enticing me with her sweet sing-songy voice. “C’mon Pepper, you can do it. C’mon Pepper. C’mon.” Reassuringly, she even held her arms out for me. What’s a dog to do? All the while Mr. human is documenting all of it for posterity. Yippee. Puppy drowns at beach. Film at 11. And they say water is life! I caught a break. There was a lull in the waves so I went for it. I ran and man did I ever jump … kaploosh into the sea. My tummy hit the water and my little legs were churning like windmills in a hurricane. I have no idea what made me do that. All the while Mrs. human keeps saying, “Good girl. C’mon Pepper.” Mercifully I reached her arms. She swept me up and I was safe on an island in the sea.

Ha! I survived my first swim in the sea. Maybe I can audition for the next Pirates of the Caribbean movie. I already have a patch for my eye. Okay both eyes. Doggy Zorro, then?

While I was basking in the glory of the moment, I realized Mrs. human wasn’t walking back to shore. She was staying out there in the choppy depths. She had to be in at least four feet of water! I stared at those monster two-footers constantly crashing on shore. I was staying put. Or so I thought until Mrs. human lowered me toward the water. Hold on there, I’m not ready for a return trip just yet. She didn’t read my mind. Into the water I went. So I cycled my legs as fast as they would go, keeping my head above water. Almost to shore when a sneaky wave rolled in behind me and over me. I kept my mouth shut and motored even faster to terra firma. That was a close call.

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I wasted no time shaking all that salty water off me and trotting down the beach away from further chants of encouragement to drown where I left a “high-odor” offering to Neptune on the beach. I can’t believe he got that on video. Mr. human buried that one too. When is that guy ever going to find the time to go back and dig them up? If you don’t make the connection, you need to read Blog 2.

Well, I ended up going back into the water a few times. It’s anyone’s guess where I got those water genes. I kind of got the rhythm of the waves down and then it became fun. So Mrs. human and I frolicked in the waves up and down the beach for some time while the other human recorded it for the world. I had to be born in the digital age.

Later, I got my first bath. And surprise, surprise, that’s recorded too. What am I, a four-legged holiday to Disney World? Don’t these humans have a life? The nice warm shower water got rid of all the salt. I was good to go. But it  didn’t stop there. Some nasty smelling stuff made by humans called Doggy Shampoo was poured on me. I emerged smelling like a human. Definitely a low point in my life.

All in all it was quite an adventure my first day down to the sea. I could get use to that every now and then I suppose, except for the human smelling shampoo part. Back at the house, I overheard my two humans talking about paddle boarding and doggy wetsuits. What do you suppose they are up to with that?

Blog 2: aka – TiPoo

23 Jul
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Okay. I have a bone to pick with some of you. When my humans sent out my photos into the cybersphere, some humans wrote back and said I looked like Petey from the Little Rascals. I mean, really? Did you even have your glasses on? No offence to Petey’s memory, but have you even taken a keen look at the two of us? Sheesh. It’s not even close. You might as well say that Kermit and Miss Piggy are lookalikes … or Arnold and Danny DeVito are twins … what movie? No way! Really?

On slightly different note, I love what they are feeding me. I’m growing like crazy. However, there is one aspect of the lovely puppy food that’s, well, a bit embarrassing to talk about. It appears that my latest gastronomic delights have made me what humans call a “high-odor” doggy. They say it almost as if they are complaining. They should be happy I’m not a whiner or a princess … yet.  That’s chapter five in the best selling How Famous Dogs Trained Their Owners. But as I have no idea what they mean by this, it must be a compliment. I’ve diligently sniffed and sniffed too … perfectly fine by me. Besides, my human alpha is always scooping it up and burying it in the compost pile. We canines always bury our favourite bones to dig up later. Why the human wants to dig up that fine canine high-odor later, however, is a bit puzzling. But I’m still learning the strange ways of humans. I’m only on chapter one.

I managed to find another nice chew toy in the yard. Nice blue colour too. Although it didn’t taste blue. But I’m still figuring out what the colours taste like. This blue had a nice woody aroma to it with a medium texture. I think alpha dog human called it a bird feeder. And he called me by nickname, TiPoo, when explaining to me why it was not a toy. I was defenseless. So as I learned in chapter one, I just gave him the puppy eye treatment. He’s still not buying it. And puppies are supposed to be naturals. This sucking up stuff is not as easy as the book says it is.

However, I think he was mistaken about bird feeders not being toys. Back in my crate, I looked it up in my official mail order Bones N’ Crate puppy toy catalog. There it was. Blue bird feeders are classified as chew toys provided they are made of a natural substance. I think wood qualifies don’t you? I thought you’d agree with me. So, I won’t be having any more problems with Mr. human telling me a bird feeder is not a toy. I buried it.

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Blog 1: MEET PEPPER

22 Jul


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Hi! I’m a puppy. My name’s Pepper. Formally, it’s Sgt. Pepper. Supposedly it has something to do with human musicians and some bugs. Beetles I think. Even at my young age, I found June bugs are really tasty. I guess that’s why they named me Sgt. Pepper given my proclivity for eating them.

They also gave me a patois nickname … TiPoo. I’ll give you a hint. Ti means little. You can take it from there. So I get into mischief now and then. I’m a puppy. Sue me.

Apparently, I’m an orphan. Yep. Can you believe someone abandoned a cute little mug like me? I can’t either. But destiny called. The animal protection people came to my rescue. Took me in. Fed me and took care of me until they shipped me off too. That’s twice I got the bum’s rush to start my life. Welcome to the world.

But it looks like I have the last laugh. The humans that took me in are nuts about me. In fact, Mrs. human is hands down a sucker for me. Hello good life. I mean she didn’t even get mad at me when I ripped the cover off her book, Teach Yourself Visually Dog Training. Well, actually, I sort of ripped it to shreds. And then I left pieces of it all over the outdoor deck  for her to clean up. She just laughed. What’s that all about? The Dog Whisperer she ain’t.

Mr. human on the other hand is the alpha dog. He’s always catching me doing stuff too. He just appears out of nowhere. I’m into something really fun, and the next moment I hear this deep booming voice calling out my name. I turn around and there he is, arms folded giving me the look. So I do the puppy grovel thing. I wag my tail, walk around his feet with my best puppy poo eating grin. He doesn’t buy it at all. No doubt he’s been watching Cesar.

I don’t know why he gets so upset about me pruning the leaves off the garden plants. Seems like a normal thing to do for a puppy. And from my point of view, they look a lot better too. I guess he didn’t get the memo that everything is a toy for puppies. So I keep educating him by getting out all sorts of toys he thought was just normal stuff. You know, like garden hand trowels, plastic planter containers, decorative driftwood and all sorts of stuff. It’s not like there are any signs “Do Not Chew To Bits” posted anywhere. But at the end of the day, he always gives me a treat and pats me on the head. He has potential.

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